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Life’s Most Difficult Three Little Words

If I were to ask each of you what is the primary characteristic of Jesus that we, as believers, are to emulate, I feel that we would universally agree that it is to love. I think that we all recognize the primacy of God’s command to love Him and others. But even in that admonition, there exists a bit of difference in how that love is demonstrated, especially between loving God and loving our fellow humans.

I want us to consider one major element of loving others that perhaps best emulates the life of Christ and is most assuredly needed in the world today. That trait is forgiveness. That is why this devotional is titled Life's Three Most Difficult Words. Although many people have a difficult time saying "I Love You" to others, I think that most of us struggle with the ability to say, "I forgive you."

From Joseph’s forgiveness of his treacherous brothers in Genesis to Paul’s entreaty to “Bear with each other and forgive one another.... Forgive as the Lord forgave you,” Colossians 3:13; the Scriptures are laden with the godly expectation that we are to overlook the sins of others and exhibit Christlike love. This is the most ubiquitous way to live like Jesus in a world that needs more than “just a little love.”

As we examine the world around us, it is easy to see a society where forgiving one another is not the first reaction we see when someone is wronged. In fact, it is seldom seen at all, let alone the first behavior from an affected victim. The typical response is anger, often escalating to full-blown conflict that is anything but loving. And unfortunately, tumultuous happenings often take place within the Church and among ostensible followers of Christ.

We ask, “Why is this?” What is causing us to be so unforgiving, so easily offended? Is it maybe due to the stressful times in which we live? Are we so bruised and abused by the world around us that we are all on our “final straw” or worn down to the “barest thread” of our patience? This might be so, considering that there are more people in the world today than ever before, and consequently, more opportunities to be wronged. Or it may be that as the Bible indicates, things are going to continue to deteriorate to such a desperate point that we will ultimately witness the eschaton.

While these circumstances could be significant contributing factors, I want to postulate that there is an alternate explanation that is not associated with the passing of the millennia, but rather, has been around since the beginnings of Creation. The concept is both simple and stark: it is idolatry. More specifically, SELF-idolatry. Loosely defined, this is considering oneself as the preeminent being who is more important than any and all others.

From the very beginning, when Eve was tempted by the Serpent, the temptation centered on the idea of being equal with God. Our created traits of reason, capacity to love, and having the ability of imagination were too easily manipulated into a desire for more, including more knowledge and power. He said to her, “Then you will be like God, knowing good and evil,” (Gen. 3:5). Well, we all know how that went, don’t we?

So, from the earliest part of the story there was a longing to be first, to be second to no one, not even God. It was because of this that the need for forgiveness and restoration came about. And thousands of years later, the condition still exists among us. We all want to be first. We want to be second to no one, and that includes being first in line, furious when someone cuts us off in traffic, and so upset when our coworkers get promoted and we do not. You can fill in the blank of what easily angers you.

We all get angry and offended at times. No doubt, we offend others as well. However, when we have wronged someone we seldom (if ever) immediately recognize and acknowledge our trespass. In fact, we are more likely to justify our behavior because it was due to extenuating circumstances. We rationalize that we did not really mean to offend, and if the victim simply understood all the details, they would give us the benefit of the doubt and hold nothing against us. After all, I am a good person! Sound familiar?

However, the issue is not whether we intended to do harm. It is the impact of our behavior that is the issue. We have erred (intentionally or unintentionally) and are responsible for the harm done to the other party. Etiquette, ethics, and integrity (not to mention the Bible) tells us that we are to be remorseful. We should acknowledge that our actions have hurt someone somehow.

But here’s the kicker: when we do apologize and express sorrow at the results of our behavior, we are often rebuffed and berated all the more for our foolish actions. No wonder we are so quick to justify and pass the blame (thanks, Eve: “It was the Serpent.”). Unfortunately, while this scene may be common and familiar, that is not the point. I am not raising the issue that we need to be more apologetic and repentant (although that is probably true too). Remember, we are talking about being more like Christ this morning, and He had nothing for which to apologize. His behavior that we are adopting is His forgiving nature.

Before we move on though, let’s hover for a moment on that thought about our extenuating circumstances. We feel that if the person we offended only knew our true nature and the extreme stress that we are under or the extreme difficulties that we are facing, they would not be so angry at us for our offense. But let’s turn that around and apply that same rationale to the one(s) who have done us harm. The old adage is “walk a mile in their shoes before we criticize them.” We want them to understand and be more gracious to us in our wrongdoing, but are we practicing what we preach? Going back to the circumstances of when we have apologized for something, only to be met with a furious and venomous outburst, do we stop to consider their extenuating circumstances? Perhaps you are the fourth person to cut them off in traffic this morning while they were on their way to dialysis. That puts things in a different light, doesn’t it?

We can see Jesus' very clear opinion about this societal need from His conversation with Peter in Matthew 18. “Lord, how many times should I forgive someone?” Peter asks Jesus. We all know the reply to Peter’s extraordinary suggestion to forgive seven times. The Messiah’s hyperbolic answer is “No, 490 times, Peter.” Wow! That is ridiculous! We inwardly say, “Yeah, but Jesus doesn’t have to deal with my brother-in-law!” Well, He actually does, but that’s not the point. The Lord says, when you are dealing with your brother-in-law (and anyone else) you must possess, exhibit, and give an inordinate level of grace and forgiveness.

Other references in Scripture repeat the importance of forgiveness to God and His expectation that we live graciously. Consider Matthew 6:15 where Jesus says that if we do not forgive others, God will not forgive us. Or listen to Luke's version of the Sermon on the Mount: “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven."

The command to forgive is not limited to New Testament passages from Paul or the gospels. The Law and the Prophets are not silent in these matters. Hosea, in obedience to God's instructions, forgives Gomer and takes her back from her repeated unfaithfulness. Likewise, the restoration between Esau and Jacob suggests that forgetting what was past and moving forward in healthy relationship is God’s intent for humankind.

If we are to be people who live in a forgiving way, and if we are to set aside the destructive consequences of self-idolatry, how do we become forgiving? The steps toward a more gracious heart begin with our ability to allow the Lord to transform our minds (Romans 12:2). With some personal evaluations, reminders, and deliberate practices, I believe we can begin loving and forgiving much more readily. Let me share a few quick suggestions:

1. Decide what is truly most important, retaining (and reliving the hurt), or relieving your heart and mind of distracting dysfunction.
2. Remember the likelihood of extenuating circumstances.
3. Envision what forgiveness would look like. Would it mean a restored relationship, allowing a hurt to become long-forgotten? Perhaps an opportunity for a deeper understanding and appreciation of Christ?
4. Develop the habit of paraphrasing Luke 6:37, “Don’t judge, don’t condemn, only forgive” as a reminder to walk in the shoes of others.

With these few exercises, even when we are really tempted to hold a grudge or have an outburst of anger, we can likely begin to curb our unforgiveness and experience a heart much more at peace.

So, I want us to circle back and talk about the cause of unforgiveness for a moment, self-idolatry.

That sounds so terrible, so sinful, so idolatrous. We have all heard (and probably preached) sermons about the things that become idols in our lives. Things like money, sex, power, jobs, material possessions, even other people. We know that putting these above God is wrong and if we are to rightly prioritize them, they would all be placed below God and our relationship with Him. We might even need to “put them on the altar” and let them go. But what if it turns out that we are the idol? Before we get to how to attend to that issue, let’s first look at some ways to figure out if we have actually idolized ourselves.

I would suggest these things:

1. Ask God - Psalm 139:23-24: “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.”
2. Ask the person you trust most: Do I really have an accountability partner?
3. Ask yourself: Look in the mirror. Only you know what is behind those eyes.
4. Analyze your behavior: Consider recent episodes and events in your life. Was there an encounter where you should have been forgiving, but resisted the voice of the Spirit?

We are in the business of preparing men and women for lives of ministry and one of the greatest disservices we could ever do is to send them out without a keen awareness of the significant need for followers of Jesus to be more forgiving. We have all been part of churches or ministry organizations and certainly witnesses to the world where forgiving one another has not been commonplace. Hopefully, by highlighting one of the most important character traits of Jesus to emulate, that is a forgiving nature, we can remind ourselves, our students and our beloved holiness family that while we believe in Christian perfection, it is a state that requires frequent attention and focus. At times, we even need to do some course correction when we begin to put our own interests ahead of others and behave in self-idolatrous ways.

By sharing these thoughts with others, we may give a future pastor a gentle reminder to not only live graciously, but to preach the practice of forgiveness as often as they preach the injunction to love God and others.

- Dr. David Woods serves as an adjunct professor at Nazarene Bible College.